Freedom Without Permission

Coercive control isn’t always loud, violent, or visible. Sometimes it’s wrapped in faith, family, or love and it can quietly shape a life through fear, obedience, and the erosion of personal freedom. This blog is my story of recognizing it, surviving it, and naming it for what it was.

Legally, coercive control means a pattern of behavior used to cause another person physical, emotional, or psychological harm, in a way that unreasonably interferes with their free will and personal liberty.

I always find it fascinating and frightening how many people are oblivious to coercive control and how often it’s used by individuals, institutions, and organizations to maintain power. It’s astonishing how effectively it strips away freedom without ever laying a hand on anyone. What’s even more alarming is how rarely it’s prosecuted. I’ve yet to find a single case in the U.S. where someone was successfully convicted for it.

In my religious upbringing, coercive control was disguised as a loving God. I remember being told as a child that when people “died young,” it was because they were sinning or that God knew they would sin so He took them home early to protect their testimony.

Looking back, I see how much fear and submission that planted in me. I grew up terrified of being “taken out” for stepping out of line, or worse, that someone I loved would be hurt to bring me back into obedience. As an adult, that fear shadowed my entire life, this unnamed fear of losing the people I loved, if I was not complaint enough, I genuinely worried that my children’s health might suffer if I defied what I believed was God’s will.

In marriage, coercive control took on a different form. It became threats to expose personal details, some true, some fabricated. But all it took was the fear of emotional harm to my children or family to keep me silent and compliant for years.

Even with hundreds of pages of texts proving the abuse and control, I couldn’t get a judge to listen, not even once. That’s a story for another day, but it highlights how deeply our family justice system needs rebuilding.

The true trauma of coercive control is realizing you will never be given permission to walk away. No one will come along and tell you it’s okay to reclaim your life. At some point, you have to decide, often in silence, often in fear, that you have the right to walk into your own truth, to own your life and your happiness whether you’re ever given permission or not.

As always, my fellow humans: get therapy.

Healing isn’t quick, but freedom, real freedom is worth fighting for.